More Sweet-Tea Stories...

Now that I'm on the topic of sweet tea, I may as well just keep the ball rollin'. What will follow is one man’s feeble attempt to provide a guide to connoisseurs of true tea. In my travels, I will document the quality and the availability of sweet tea across the country. I will use a simple rating system, known as the “ah”. The more “ahs”, the better the tea. For example, if the movie Casablanca were a glass of sweet tea, it would receive a lofty “5-ahs” rating. On the other end of the spectrum, the Jessica Simpson version of Dukes of Hazzard would receive a dreaded “½-ah”. (Her legs were the only thing that kept this from being a complete “ZERO-ah” performance.)

I’ll start with The Crazy Crab, in Hilton Head, South Carolina. The Crazy Crab is more famous in the Lowcountry for another southern delight, the hushpuppy. But just as compelling as a reason to visit is the thirst-quenching power of this fried-food paradise’s sweet tea. While not overpoweringly sweet, it’s enough for a Southerner to know that they are indeed in the land of the original Secession. Simply marvelous: 4¼-AH’S

Next up on the tour of tea, we’ll stop in the home of the most prestigious of golf ‘toon-ah-ments’ ('tournaments' for all you Yankees)…Augusta, Georgia. Just behind Augusta National Golf Club, off of Wheeler Road, is an important landmark. No, not from the War of Northern Aggression (Northern textbooks often mistakenly refer to this skirmish as the ‘Civil War’.) However, while not a landmark of this stature, this landmark HAS made a great impression on taste buds throughout the state. Wife Saver Chicken, which I believe is now on the National Registry of Historic Fried Chicken Establishments, has sweet tea available in half-gallon and gallon jugs for carry out with your ten-piece box and dinner rolls. Yes, the chicken is greasy (but absolutely scrumptious). No, the “sides” would not appear on a Healthy-Choice menu. But that’s not what we’re here to review. The tea is, simply put, fantastic. For instance, the sugar content is high enough to reasonably believe that if you accidentally left a glass in the July sun for two-days, the tea would evaporate leaving a tasty tea/sugar-crystal lollipop. Not to mention that it is obvious that it is authentic, because when you receive the jug of tea, it’s almost too hot to handle, and yet to be diluted with precious ice cubes. That’s YOUR job! Honestly, top-of-the-line Sweet Tea: 5-AH’S

Last in our first chapter of reviews, is Shorty Small’s Great American Restaurant in Little Rock, Arkansas. This establishment, with it’s roadhouse / barn atmosphere and it’s waitresses with southern accents so sweet that their actual drawls might be used to make the desserts, serves up a glass of tea that is worthy of the name. Unlike many sweet tea’s served in the Carolinas and Georgia, a quarter of a lemon was already floating in my tea when it arrived. Most traditional sweet teas don’t need lemon, and you’ll only get it if you ask. This citrus addition was cause for a definite deduction in points. But this deduction was countered with the fact that the tea was served in those translucent brown, wrinkled-skin texture cups that one can only find in mid-level barbecue or pizza joints. The only better presentation for a true glass of sweet tea is in an honest to goodness Mason jar. Oh yeah... the food was good too. Nice touch Shorty: 3¾-AH’S

Next tea reviews: (1) The Ramp Raw Bar; Fort Pierce, Florida, (2) Archie's; Hutchinson Island, Florida & (3) Wherever my truck stops next on the highway to enlightenment.

See Y’all Next Time,
“Sweet” Lefty

The Honest-to-Goodness Ultimate Absolutely True Fictional History of Sweet-Tea

Ambrosia (n.) - A mixture of citrus fruit and coconut, sometimes containing cherries that is traditionally served at holiday time. Sometimes called the “food of the gods” referring to the ancient Greek gods of Mount Olympus.

Sweet Tea (n.) - A traditionally southern brewed, iced beverage made with sugar, water, sugar, tea leaves, and more sugar. Commonly referred to simply as “tea” in most southern areas of the United States. Sweet Tea is iced tea that is sweetened during the brewing process when the tea is still hot (prior to “icing”).


While not as commonly known as ambrosia, “the food of the gods”, all true southerners know that sweet tea, or simply ‘tea’ as they know it, is the “elixir of the gods”. While known about on Olympus, sweet tea was not in favor of Zeus and Hera (who obviously were originally from 'New Joisey'.) However, two lesser known Olympian gods brewed the drink in secret. Hermes (known as Mercury to the Romans) was the son of Zeus, but not Hera (Hence, Hermes's frosty relationship with his parents...those crazy Greeks). Everyone knows Hermes as the god of speed, but fewer know that he was also the god of commerce. Even fewer know that he was also the god of good taste. Only a select few scholars of ancient greek mythology know about Hermes half-brother, J.T. (And only one of these scholars knows what J.T. actually stands for, and if you REALLY want to know then you must enroll in Dr. Crabapples ancient mythology course taught at the Climax Community College in quaint Climax, North Carolina, known far and wide as a superior higher-education facility). And it was J.T. who discovered what would ultimately become a staple in every refrigerator in Dixie.

As the story goes, good ol’ J.T. was hanging around with some of the lesser gods from the other side of the mountain with which Hera had told them not to associate (you know those over-bearing New Jersey mothers). One of these was Hephaestus, the Greek god of fire (known to the Romans as Vulcan…and no, not related to Spock). Hephaestus (known simply as “Heph” to his pals) was particularly parched after a tough day of igniting fire bundles all over the mountain and J.T suggested that he cool off with a glass of his brother’s iced tea, made with cool Mount Olympus spring water and tea leaves imported from China (another story).

Now, Heph was known to have a sweet tooth, so J.T. suggested to his friend that he add some of the sugar that Heph had picked up on his last business trip to Mauna Kea in Hawaii. J.T. handed him the glass, and before his friend could get the sugar out of his cupboard, the ice in the glass had melted and Heph's tea was quickly approaching the boiling point. As Heph was lamenting about his curse to never be able to enjoy a cold beverage without it turning hot in his hand (Tervis tumblers would not be invented for at least a couple of more years.), he began to add the precious sugar. J.T. watched in amazement as Heph's glass of tea dissolved the first spoonful, then the second, then the third, and even the fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh. After all, J.T.’s glass of ice-cold liquid was sadly unable to dissolve even one. J.T. was sure that Heph’s drink would be virtually unpalatable due to its sweetness, but his friend chugged the beverage down and sat back with a contended smile on his face. J.T was curious so he asked Hephaestus to sweeten his glass too, and his friend gladly obliged.

Heph heated his friend’s glass of tea, added a little known measuring unit of sugar known as “a bunch”, and handed the now-sweetened concoction back to J.T., who had donned a pair of protective hot-mitts. J.T. chiseled a few ice-cubes from the Olympus Glacier and added them to the glass. They melted almost instantly in the hot liquid, but cooled the drink down enough to allow J.T. to sample it. After one sip, he put the glass down, looked excitedly at his friend and sprinted home at Herm-1 (The term “mach” would come later when Chuck Yaeger was born. Until then, super fast speed was named and measured after J.T.’s half brother, Hermes. Ie. Herm-1, Herm-2, etc.). He arrived home without a drop spilled (Remember, J.T. was a son of Zeus.) and offered Hermes a sip. The rest, as they say, is history.

These days, most 6th grade chemistry students are aware that a liquid can dissolve more of a soluble solid when it is hot, creating what is known as a “saturated solution”. Therefore, more sugar can be dissolved by HOT tea than tea that has already been iced. Many people not native to southern regions of the country are under the erroneous impression that “sweet tea” can be made simply by adding sugar to a glass of unsweetened iced tea (or ‘Sherman-Tea’ as some southerners will refer to it). Now, anyone who has participated in this fruitless endeavor has been met with a horrifying reality; Even just one of those packets of sugar that contain fewer confectionary granules than can be measured by an electron microscope will leave the individual with a mass of semi-dissolved, pasty sugar at the bottom of their glass. The solution? Dissolve the sugar in the tea while it is still hot, and voila, one has created a liquid masterpiece that any true southerner can identify in a blind, mute, deaf, sensory deprived taste test.

And they call us backwards... Silly yankees.

Goodbye to my Father

Today was an emotional landmark for me and my family as we went out to sea today to scatter Dad's ashes. Dad had many passions in his life, two of which were the water and space. Today we took Dad to one of those passions to forever become a part of the ocean. With every wave that rolls across the sea, and every piece of life that the ocean sustains, I will forever be able to remember my father. It was emotional day for the family, and I'm glad that we could be together for it. It's a bit hard for me to write about now, but I'm sure the words will come someday soon. Goodbye Pop. I love you, I miss you, and I promise... I'll make you proud!

The second of Dad's wishes was to become part of Space. That will occur with a launch in the late winter or early spring. A small capsule of Dad's ashes will be launched into space along with others who desired to have the "Final Frontier" as a part of their final resting place. God speed.

My trail begins soon, and I think a large part of this adventure is a tribute to my father. He was more than just my dad, as are most fathers to their sons and daughters. He was my friend. He was my mentor. He was my coach. And he was my lifeguard. Part of me mourns that those things were taken away so early, but a bigger part knows that my father's greatest gift was to prepare me properly for all that world can throw at you. In a way, it's as if he was preparing me for this from day one. He was preparing me for that day in the future when we would have to say goodbye, and I would have to stand on my own two feet instead of on his shoulders. Although sad, it's also a time to be thankful for having a father that prepares and loves his children. Too often in this world children are forced to learn without such a guide. I am forever grateful to have had a teacher, a coach... a father like Ed Stewart. Until we meet again Pop...THANK YOU!