The Honest-to-Goodness Ultimate Absolutely True Fictional History of Sweet-Tea

Ambrosia (n.) - A mixture of citrus fruit and coconut, sometimes containing cherries that is traditionally served at holiday time. Sometimes called the “food of the gods” referring to the ancient Greek gods of Mount Olympus.

Sweet Tea (n.) - A traditionally southern brewed, iced beverage made with sugar, water, sugar, tea leaves, and more sugar. Commonly referred to simply as “tea” in most southern areas of the United States. Sweet Tea is iced tea that is sweetened during the brewing process when the tea is still hot (prior to “icing”).


While not as commonly known as ambrosia, “the food of the gods”, all true southerners know that sweet tea, or simply ‘tea’ as they know it, is the “elixir of the gods”. While known about on Olympus, sweet tea was not in favor of Zeus and Hera (who obviously were originally from 'New Joisey'.) However, two lesser known Olympian gods brewed the drink in secret. Hermes (known as Mercury to the Romans) was the son of Zeus, but not Hera (Hence, Hermes's frosty relationship with his parents...those crazy Greeks). Everyone knows Hermes as the god of speed, but fewer know that he was also the god of commerce. Even fewer know that he was also the god of good taste. Only a select few scholars of ancient greek mythology know about Hermes half-brother, J.T. (And only one of these scholars knows what J.T. actually stands for, and if you REALLY want to know then you must enroll in Dr. Crabapples ancient mythology course taught at the Climax Community College in quaint Climax, North Carolina, known far and wide as a superior higher-education facility). And it was J.T. who discovered what would ultimately become a staple in every refrigerator in Dixie.

As the story goes, good ol’ J.T. was hanging around with some of the lesser gods from the other side of the mountain with which Hera had told them not to associate (you know those over-bearing New Jersey mothers). One of these was Hephaestus, the Greek god of fire (known to the Romans as Vulcan…and no, not related to Spock). Hephaestus (known simply as “Heph” to his pals) was particularly parched after a tough day of igniting fire bundles all over the mountain and J.T suggested that he cool off with a glass of his brother’s iced tea, made with cool Mount Olympus spring water and tea leaves imported from China (another story).

Now, Heph was known to have a sweet tooth, so J.T. suggested to his friend that he add some of the sugar that Heph had picked up on his last business trip to Mauna Kea in Hawaii. J.T. handed him the glass, and before his friend could get the sugar out of his cupboard, the ice in the glass had melted and Heph's tea was quickly approaching the boiling point. As Heph was lamenting about his curse to never be able to enjoy a cold beverage without it turning hot in his hand (Tervis tumblers would not be invented for at least a couple of more years.), he began to add the precious sugar. J.T. watched in amazement as Heph's glass of tea dissolved the first spoonful, then the second, then the third, and even the fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh. After all, J.T.’s glass of ice-cold liquid was sadly unable to dissolve even one. J.T. was sure that Heph’s drink would be virtually unpalatable due to its sweetness, but his friend chugged the beverage down and sat back with a contended smile on his face. J.T was curious so he asked Hephaestus to sweeten his glass too, and his friend gladly obliged.

Heph heated his friend’s glass of tea, added a little known measuring unit of sugar known as “a bunch”, and handed the now-sweetened concoction back to J.T., who had donned a pair of protective hot-mitts. J.T. chiseled a few ice-cubes from the Olympus Glacier and added them to the glass. They melted almost instantly in the hot liquid, but cooled the drink down enough to allow J.T. to sample it. After one sip, he put the glass down, looked excitedly at his friend and sprinted home at Herm-1 (The term “mach” would come later when Chuck Yaeger was born. Until then, super fast speed was named and measured after J.T.’s half brother, Hermes. Ie. Herm-1, Herm-2, etc.). He arrived home without a drop spilled (Remember, J.T. was a son of Zeus.) and offered Hermes a sip. The rest, as they say, is history.

These days, most 6th grade chemistry students are aware that a liquid can dissolve more of a soluble solid when it is hot, creating what is known as a “saturated solution”. Therefore, more sugar can be dissolved by HOT tea than tea that has already been iced. Many people not native to southern regions of the country are under the erroneous impression that “sweet tea” can be made simply by adding sugar to a glass of unsweetened iced tea (or ‘Sherman-Tea’ as some southerners will refer to it). Now, anyone who has participated in this fruitless endeavor has been met with a horrifying reality; Even just one of those packets of sugar that contain fewer confectionary granules than can be measured by an electron microscope will leave the individual with a mass of semi-dissolved, pasty sugar at the bottom of their glass. The solution? Dissolve the sugar in the tea while it is still hot, and voila, one has created a liquid masterpiece that any true southerner can identify in a blind, mute, deaf, sensory deprived taste test.

And they call us backwards... Silly yankees.